Every night I return to those deep, still waters
Every night I float in them and forget the world
A black blanket, filled with white dots, wheels overhead
The calm envelops me till only the lament remains
Pressure stoppers my ears, my heartbeat a quiet drum
The gentle bobbing of waves tries to soothe me to sleep
But even the water’s cold kiss does not erase the deep cuts
It does nothing to lift the giant’s foot crushing my chest
In the stars above I see endless repetitions of us
Of your tired smile in the morning, so bright
Of your unruly hair, as fierce a foe as any other
How I long to sit in awe of you, just one more time.
I feel the tears well up and hope, beg, and pray
That the weight on my chest will push me under
That I might fill my lungs with deadly water
Instead of drowning in every memory of you
Your quiet, hard-earned surety in yourself
And the ever-present challenge to any who might doubt
And the way you trusted me sometimes, a little
To cherish you when you did end up doubting yourself
I saw it all, because that has ever been my blessing
And seeing as much as I was allowed to see
I had only ever one option to choose at all
And I came to love you, too fast and fierce for reason
I see now, as I guessed then, that it was hopeless
From the moment I knew you, we saw the doom coming
And still we dove right in, as if we never had before
And still we were doomed, despite our very best hopes
Should we have refrained?
Should we have let reason smother us?
Now I drift these still waters and still, I do not regret
Even thinking, fearing, that only I loved you, I don’t regret
How the morning sun caught your freckles
How every line was worthy of a poem
How your voice was the only sound I needed
How I still drift in those grey eyes of yours
I should not be allowed love
I always want to drown in it.